For months now, I have wanted to just disappear. Everything gets too much and I want to run away and hide but then I remember what I want to run away from is the one thing I can’t escape. Pain.
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I often find myself asking the same question: how would you describe the pain? It’s a question I have been asking myself a lot more recently.
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It’s not long surpassed a year since the endometriosis excision surgery. That year has been a whirlwind of emotions and self-gaslighting (or maybe I don't heal well at all).
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It’s been 7 months. It’s now been 7 months since my excision surgery and, to be honest, there hasn’t been any difference for me. I’ve been making excuses for not noticing any difference but I feel like the clock has ran out for the excuses now.
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As each week passes, I feel more and more lost within my own body. I’ve been trying my best to try and function most days and some days I’ve really pushed myself too far and it lead to hours of just crying. It’s a mix of pain, exhaustion and just really wishing I could just get on with things and not need days or weeks to recover.
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I’ve not written a blog post in three months. There’s been too much going on in that time and a lot of it has been very overwhelming and quite a lot to process in one go. I’ve also been struggling with my pain but also some very low moments where everything and anything seems like too much of a task for me. A lot has to do with my last clinic appointment that I had at the start of June and my cervical screening that I had just two weeks after my surgery. Neither appointment were good experiences.
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Documents of a chaotic and last minute surgery reschedule.
On March 25, I was ready for my excision surgery with bowel prep completed, all assessments at the hospital completed and all dressed ready for surgery. Unfortunately, an hour before I was due in theatre, it was cancelled. Saying I was upset would be an understatement to say the least. Fast forward to 10 days later, from 3pm April 5, and the chaos begins.
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It’s Endometriosis Awareness Month and it is also the month of my excision surgery. I’ve been really struggling with the pain lately, the end belly, the urgency…just all of it combined.
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I’ve been quiet and less productive for the last few months. We go in to the colder weather and my body struggles more and it’s usually just a mentally difficult tie of year for me. I’m sure I’m not alone in this for both aspects but it is still really deflating and frustrating to experience.
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The thing is, with chronic illnesses, it’s never really over. No matter how many years you spend finding the best management strategies for you health, they can suddenly change over night and you’re back to square one. It really is never-ending.
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I guess it’s difficult for anyone to understand why people even like you. Maybe it’s just me and my own head who thinks like that. Or maybe everything that has happened in the last five years alone have really impacted the way I see myself and the way I think others actually see me.
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It changes constantly. There’s not much thought process. It’s a space I go in to and add to it or change things around depending on how I am feeling when I get into my space.
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It’s been one of those moths, you know, when it has just been one thing after another? Positive things will happen and, for some reason, it is just followed by a stream of shitty things that just makes it difficult to focus on the positive things. I hate my head for that.
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How long does it take for that self-acceptance to happen and how many times? How do you feel when that guilt which has been lingering for quite some time finally lifts and leaves you for good? How long did it take to close one of the doors to your past?
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It’s been a month since my last upload and update and a lot has happened as well as still processing a lot of information. Also, I’ve lost all concept of time.
This is a (brief) summary of the new phase of my medical journey that overwhelmed me after my last trip to see the consultant.
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The thing about chronic illnesses and/or conditions is that you just want to get to the answer(s) and understand what is going on with your own wellbeing. What we don’t think about is what happens when we do finally get answers. Information overload.
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The past 5, nearly 6, years has showed me how lonely I can feel because of chronic illnesses. It comes and goes in waves, usually when I am in the middle of a flare-up with but it sometimes also hits me when I am having a more manageable day. Throw in a pandemic we are already a year in and that enhances these feelings to the point of it becoming damaging.
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